The Name’s Bond, James Bond…..

Being Something I’m Not


Cue music, lights, camera and….ACTION !


Actually… errm … not really.


In real life I’m not exactly James Bond material, though I’ve had some moments when On Her Majesty’s Service; however, my days of jumping out of planes and looking like Action Man ended 20 years and 3 stones ago.


What has any of this got to do with writing ?


The answer is simple; when you’re writing you are going to end up with projects requiring sentiments and style that are simply not you, so how can you pull that off?


A case in point has come my way this week with the usual cut and thrust of bidding for projects and winning enough to pay for the roof over our heads. One of the projects that ERH has won is a 10,000 mini eBook on the art of seduction, but in truth, it’s a rerun of the many tones out there on how to get a shag if you’re a sad geezer.


I think someone threw a definition of an artist out as being “a person who can hold two diametrically opposing views in their head and still function” and so here I am. On the one hand I’m trying to charm the pants off my neighbour with whom I have a bit of a crush and would like a “relationship,” but look like I’m failing miserably. On the other, I’m writing 10,000 words on how a guy can get his wicked way with twice as many women as usual which for the target readership still results in none, after all two times nothing is still nothing!

Somehow it just doesn’t sit right with me, but then again no-one said it would be easy.


While I’m writing this “art of seduction” I put my James Bond head on – a man who sees women as disposable pleasures rather than meaningful long term pursuits, as it was so succinctly stated in his last outing. There is a touch of “the bitch is dead” callousness required with this short eBook and as I’m in the process of hopefully getting all loved up this is somewhat problematic. Nevertheless, thinking I’m a James Bond type jack-the-lad does seem to be doing the trick and the client is happy with my wit and quotable quotes as he puts it eg. “God gave us a pair of balls for a reason!”….hmmmm.


Now I’m no prude and have enjoyed rugby club badinage to the hilt, while my eldest son who turned 11 this week asked me to explain the “Why was he born so beautiful..” song and PC/fem nonsense has fortunately washed over me and left me a shining beacon of masculinity with none of the fairyness. I’m a strapping 6 footer, ex-paratrooper, beer swilling mongrel but the idea that I have to produce something that according to the client specification is aiming to be “If a woman reads this she should be mildly offended.” is unexplored territory.

So for now, the name’s Bond, James Bond…..

…and ACTION!