Irenooshka to the Rescue

After a mixed week which has seen England fall to the Springboks (and that was a TRY you blind Aussie ‘erbert) as well as my own romantic escapades, I’m sitting here in my living room working on a numb bum while contemplating the week ahead.

Last week has seen the first draft on a companion guide to seduction churned out and it has been a labour of boredom. Honestly, I have been surprised at the sheer volume of material that appears to be available for the typically American male prepared to part with $9.99. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t give any of this a second glance and would be surprised it was getting a first, nevertheless I’ve had a stack of reference materials thrown at me by my client who wants it noted in the text I’ve prepared. My client has reminded me that I am in no way allowed to claim any credit for the eBook I’ve drafted and he is the only one whose name will be allowed to be associated with the “work” – I feel like I should pay him to ensure my name is not associated with it.

My 1,000 word rate has increased as well and now my record is $85 for 1,500 words so that means I’m getting paid over $50 or more than double what I’m used to. The subject matter doesn’t seem to be improving much as I have to prepare a very dry critique of a report on “Vernacular Gardens for Inclusion in the Register of Garden and Parks of the English Society” . I’m a little green fingered myself, even have a ton of horse poo standing in the drive to give the sprogs something to do when they get bored during half-term, but upon discovering what “vernacular” actually means in this context I was rather put out. Vernacular means non-polite in the context of gardening, something that is planned without consideration of long-term structure or use, while the artistic aesthetic does not, so it goes, form a central locus for the garden.

Once again, I find myself having to write while pretending to be in someone else’s shoes as the author of this particular report which is being critiqued is “an established figure” in modern gardening philosophy and per my client, unassailable. My brutal opinion; this is an elitist, snobbish piece of work produced by a pseudo academic who thinks that writing 12 pages makes up for not delivering what she has to say in 500 words. It strikes me that academic writers, especially in fields such as sociology and psychology, could save the reader a great deal of time and energy by simply having a code for set, caveat type paragraphs that litter these works.

One source of amusement has been the online dating sites that I have been lurking around in the name of research 😉

Smirk the First has been a commission to write a profile for a guy who is looking for a date on one of the sites. I kid you not, I’m actually getting paid to write a profile for a guy trying to attract some amour – fact is always stranger than fiction in this job!

Grin the Second is that I’m putting a blog together dealing with some of the more interesting profiles I have come across. Some are very seriously funny and provide quite an insight into the mindset of the fun/love/sex seeking virtual Romeos & Juliets. Try this one:

“C’mon guys, sort the ironing out!

Do you know how many times I’ve gotten to the bedroom only to have those sexy words whispered in my ear – “I’ll just move the washing off the bed”

For god’s sake what are you doing? I mean some of you have some serious piles of ironing in your profile photographs. Maybe we can play Jenga with it and the winner gets to choose the position!”

In this the girls are way ahead of the guys – there are some exceptionally funny things to be enjoyed once you have shovelled the text speak jargon out of the way with 90% of what’s offered. On a side note, it appears that writing in sentences, paragraphs and punctuating will mark you out from the herd that have not yet managed to graduate from “Im maaad4it r u?” This is not a paid endeavour but one for laughs on my part which I shall share with you in due course.

Guffaw the Third is my own little dabble with the vicarious delights of fishing online. I have a hot date next Saturday with a lovely lady in the Midlands. I think I said “hot” but at this time of the year I expect there will be a certain amount of ambient dampness to cool any ardour. “Rene” is the English corruption of her name, Irenka, but I think the Slavic variations are much better – Iryenka, Irenkovna and my personal favourite, Irenooshka!

Why Irenooshka to the Rescue as the title?

I’m just showing off for her 😉

Writing also hath its privileges.