Well this has been quite a week for me. It is a constant source of amazement how quickly life can change with only miniscule step changes.

I was commissioned to put together a PowerPoint presentation by a client who had been invited to enter his company into a company/business IT competition - think “Dragons Den” and you have some idea. Specifically, I had to run a broad brush Venture Capital presentation as part of a request for 6 million euro, produce some supporting graphs and a series of key features with summaries of the business, its market, competition, strengths and weaknesses.

Again this may not sound too much like writing however it was in reality; the client had already done all the research and needed someone with a good grasp of English to put a business class English language presentation together which for them was difficult. The difficulty was the MD was Swedish with the co-owner Ukrainian, and though both had very good English when I spoke with them, it became painfully clear that English writing quality was not a strength in their corporate armoury.

For approximately one day, I received $900 and a further commission worth substantially in excess of that.

Now this is a client I like!

Even better this client turned out to be one of the freelance websites I use to source work - www.getafreelancer.com - and my reviews now have a top notch client that project providers simply cannot ignore when they check my references as they are advertising their own requirements on the site.

Comments: ERH was able to put words on my thoughts. The most amazing was that he did it without knowing about most of them! Out of nothing he created a great presentation. Extremely gifted and hard working at the same time. A very rare combination. You’re lucky if he make a bid on your project!

On the back of this glowing review, last week alone I received $2,000 worth of work which in “proper” money is about £1,000. I’m working long hours for this but it is tangible proof that I am starting to cut into the market and making what I consider to be “proper” money.

I’ll probably be absolutely broke next month after these commissions are ended but I somehow doubt it.

In my email inbox this morning were three new emails from customers, two old ones and one referred to me by another. Today, I woke at a few minutes to 6 and noted we still have daylight at this time, sorted the heir out and packed him off to school while I performed my own pre-writing ritual with a run, dog walk and a strong, sweet coffee.

Unlike other morning rituals, this one was different and I have not been able to write a single thing all day … except invoices and payment notices

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Starring ERH & Supaproofread

As an officianado of the “Carry On..” series of films and with one of them playing on the dvd as the kids wait for me to perform my chef impression and deliver dinner, using this as a post title was too good to pass up.

There is a serious point being made - “Carry on Scribbling!”

There have been times when I personally felt I was flagellating the proverbial deceased equine; however, when this happens to you drop me a line here at Supaproofread. I think it was Lawrence Kasdan, a movie producer or something like that, who came up with some second hand scripted wisdom that we all have a road to travel, some are short some are long etc, etc. The gist of it being if you keep going you’ll eventually arrive to where you’re heading.

There is a technical British term that I have repeatedly attempted to explain to our American cousins as much for their vernacular erudition as my dubious amusement:

“BOLLOCKS!”

Which sums up my opinion of Mr Kasdan’s quotable quote fairly well; with one caveat;

Writing.

Here’s an example of how very poor grammar, a poor understanding of English and no idea of the “real” world can still produce a priceless image that can be communicated to those who will listen:

“My mum and dad are very strict but verie nice. And my dad is fat”

I’m the “dad” in question and in my defence I have lost some weight since my son wrote this three years ago. Nevertheless, as my son’s mother and I sat on those small chairs at his school sifting through his work on a parents evening, my ex started a stifled giggling fit and simply passed the exercise book to me while I read my heir’s attempt at writing a paragraph.

We both laughed our socks off and given I’m writing about this now you can gauge the impression that it has left on me personally.

Writing does not require qualifications nor a command of language, you need not be honest and you can display the most base crudeness or avoid the fart and provide art. The choice is yours and your reader.

This is another practical example of how powerful really bad writing can be. I have a friend in Israel, Udi and he’s a tour guide and part-time insurance salesman which supplements his main passion; archaeology. Israel has more archaeological sites per square mile than any other country in the world, so Udi tells me. Udi took me to Masada, the mountain fortress of Herod situated by the Dead Sea and the scene of the mass suicide of a bunch of zealots. This place is a national shrine in Israel and if memory serves, a World Heritage site, and is certainly a memorable place to visit.

On the top of this seriously steep hill is Masada, about 800 feet above the valley plain, but this was not just a fortress, it was also a palace and indeed, it was primarily used as such. This required a lot of water for the gardens, the baths, the slaves, the general population and remember this is a barren arid and very dry region. All of the water had to be transported and stored in a huge manmade underground cavern whose sides had been covered in a waterproof plaster some 500 years before Jesus was born.

You can walk down a steep set of steps into this cistern and immediately experience the coolness of this cavernous space which contrasts very sharply with the temperature outside. Once you have your bearings and have adjusted, the next thing you’ll notice is how smooth the walls are and the graffitti that adorns the walls. I’m serious, these walls are so smooth you touch them and they feel cool and absolutely perfect. According to Udi this is the original covering, nothing has been changed or added as part of a renovatory effort, so imagine plaster walls that are 2,500 years old and we even know the ingredients and how to mix them.

How do we know the ingredients?

Carbon dating? Chemical analysis? High brow scientific deduction? DIY Manual for Fortress Builders?

No!

It appears that a grumpy foreman became somewhat angry at the Friday afternoon skimping that was going on with Herod’s building contractor. So ticked off did he become, that he wrote on the wall the actual ratio and quality of the constituents of this plaster together with his opinion of the builders and (in his words) an idiots guide to preparation. Almost three millennia later Udi’s lecturer discovered it back in the 70’s.

Writing is long lived, with the mundane standing an equal chance beside the art, for longevity or indeed success. I’m lucky, I’m able to make a living with writing but it’s taken me over 2 years of on and off work to get to the point where I can kick back and not have to worry about the money to pay this weeks bills. My issue has become trying to find the work that I’m interested in doing, which means primarily higher paying commissions, and also finding the time to write what I want for me and editors at more prestigious publications than www.anyoldpapfor$5per500words.com !

Did I write “I’m lucky” just then - perhaps I should have said I just kept working at it and the harder I worked the luckier I got - just don’t give in, “Carry On Scribbling!”

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When Money is Simply Not Enough

I had an approach earlier this week from a prospect in the US who had heard about my work for a website owned by one of his contacts. Fair enough I thought, excellent in fact as the ego received a boost from being recommended and I gave the guy a call to introduce myself and see what the score was.

The score is substantial - over $5,000 a month (that’s about £2,500).

As you’ve gathered from this post title the subject matter is definitely of the adult variety as the prospect owns several adult websites and about 30 blogs all delving into places that I only felt my colonic irrigation articles would take me.

Now I’m not going to tell you whether I’ve accepted the project or not. I’m not going to get on my moral soap box and tell you to look at my example, nor am I going to claim that the money speaks above everything else. There is a moral dilemma here and it’s not hard to see that a man with 5 kids including two daughters may have a slight problem with working in the porn industry.

The question is, should I take the money and run or is this an abridged version too far?

Personally, I’ve seen, used and bought my share of porn and I have no hang ups about it. Whatever floats your boat, consenting adults, in the privacy of your own home and all that, so we being big boys and girls will have our own view as end users of this product. “End Users” is the keyphrase in there for me because this project is not about being an end user whacking off to some German accented groaning, it is in fact about producing and promoting the product.

It would appear that I am going to have to toss up the idea of good secure money against being a purveyor of porn.

Is this going to taint me for life so I’ll never win the Pulitzer? Will my kids be marked out because Dad is a practising pervert? If I can make $5,000 for this easy money, is there a bigger market out there that I’m missing? Are my scruples only worth $5,000 or do I hold out for more? What would happen if my eldest son walks in while I’m working on this stuff? What would happen if my fantastically gorgeous neighbour with whom I’m infatuated walks in on me while working - will it turn her on ? (oh pretty please!)

Questions! Questions! Questions!

So far life has been pretty simple and straight forward as a writer. Some things have become a little more complicated as time has progressed. I’ve learned more and put some good experience under my belt. So far it has been restricted to writing mindless pap, how to clean up your zits, how to seduce the woman of your dreams and her mate while making sure you have perfect “inner” health. None of this is anything I believe in or care two hoots about, but now there is something that I do care about, indeed, two things; money and for once, the subject matter.

What I’ve done with this is frankly none of your business but you can think for yourselves and tell me what you would do in this situation and more to the point, why?

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Andrew Crofts Take on How to Make Money and Enjoy Your Life

I posted a couple of weeks ago that I was going to conduct a real time experiment and report back on my progress in becoming a real world published writer. So far you’ll only find my work online unless you look for some very obscure tracts written years ago while working as an accountant and dealing with the 1989 budget..and don’t we remember that well !

I am pleased to say that I have taken delivery of Andrew Crofts “The freelance writer’s handbook” and have read most of it by now. My impressions are that the first half of the book is great, very useful and to be honest it has served more to reinforce my own ideas of how to go about dealing with writing practicalities, rather than provide much in the way of innovation or insight. The second half of the book starts dealing with some of the more detailed aspects of the profession and speciality areas such as writing for children or ghostwriting. You can pretty much skip through this lot unless you have a need for it.

If you are contemplating starting life as a writer for profit then you can read my earlier posts, but to be frank, Andrew seems to have covered all of the bases far more succinctly than I, with his opening chapters. Chapter One is brilliantly entitled “Why Do It?” and unlike many other publications on becoming a writer, I really agree with him with what he has to say. I’ve written previously that there is not enough on the “Why” and far too much on the “How” when it comes to writing, but unless you have it clear in your own mind why you are doing this, I honestly don’t see how you can expect to be successful. One criticism I have is he spends far too little time on “Why” except to outline some of the perks.

Personally, I’m coming to a realisation that writing is another form of expression for the natural extrovert that I am. I’m enjoying the satisfaction derived from writing because of the emotional desire to connect and communicate as well as being the very centre of attention; if you’re reading this I am your centre of attention but it must be a vicarious pleasure as I’m not directly here in person. The reason why I write is to satisfy my urge to perform; making money is essential but there is nothing stopping me from getting a “regular” job back in sales and marketing with some blue chip instead of scribbling.

This is why I write. The satisfaction of an utterly selfish desire for attention. It’s taken me two years to figure this out. Now you can be completely honest with yourself and try to discover why you are thinking of stringing sentences together for a living.

Andrew’s book hasn’t really given me anything more except affirmation however that was worth the £5 or so I paid for it on eBay. I have the rather weightier “Writers Handbook” to wade through, which seems to be a serious reference manual for finding publishers and agents to get yourself into print. I’m going to take a few days to come up with a plan of action for addressing how I’m going to get myself the title “Published Author”; as Andrew says, this is called “thinking time” should anyone be bold enough to challenge me as to why I’m staring blankly into space.

The by-line for the book is “How to Make Money and Enjoy Your Life” and my personal experience with writing confirms that this is indeed an enjoyable way to make a living and more importantly to get on with living itself. My private life aside, I’m enjoying the business of writing but it’s clear to me that there is so much more going on than I’ve so far divined. It would be nice to make some more money though as my car is due for an MOT in a couple of weeks:)

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Being Something I’m Not

Cue music, lights, camera and….ACTION !

Actually… errm … not really.

In real life I’m not exactly James Bond material, though I’ve had some moments when On Her Majesty’s Service; however, my days of jumping out of planes and looking like Action Man ended 20 years and 3 stones ago.

What has any of this got to do with writing ?

The answer is simple; when you’re writing you are going to end up with projects requiring sentiments and style that are simply not you, so how can you pull that off?

A case in point has come my way this week with the usual cut and thrust of bidding for projects and winning enough to pay for the roof over our heads. One of the projects that ERH has won is a 10,000 mini eBook on the art of seduction, but in truth, it’s a rerun of the many tones out there on how to get a shag if you’re a sad geezer.

I think someone threw a definition of an artist out as being “a person who can hold two diametrically opposing views in their head and still function” and so here I am. On the one hand I’m trying to charm the pants off my neighbour with whom I have a bit of a crush and would like a “relationship,” but look like I’m failing miserably. On the other, I’m writing 10,000 words on how a guy can get his wicked way with twice as many women as usual which for the target readership still results in none, after all two times nothing is still nothing!

Somehow it just doesn’t sit right with me, but then again no-one said it would be easy.

While I’m writing this “art of seduction” I put my James Bond head on - a man who sees women as disposable pleasures rather than meaningful long term pursuits, as it was so succinctly stated in his last outing. There is a touch of “the bitch is dead” callousness required with this short eBook and as I’m in the process of hopefully getting all loved up this is somewhat problematic. Nevertheless, thinking I’m a James Bond type jack-the-lad does seem to be doing the trick and the client is happy with my wit and quotable quotes as he puts it eg. “God gave us a pair of balls for a reason!”….hmmmm.

Now I’m no prude and have enjoyed rugby club badinage to the hilt, while my eldest son who turned 11 this week asked me to explain the “Why was he born so beautiful..” song and PC/fem nonsense has fortunately washed over me and left me a shining beacon of masculinity with none of the fairyness. I’m a strapping 6 footer, ex-paratrooper, beer swilling mongrel but the idea that I have to produce something that according to the client specification is aiming to be “If a woman reads this she should be mildly offended.” is unexplored territory.

So for now, the name’s Bond, James Bond…..

…and ACTION!

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