Having an idyllic weekend i.e. no kids, I was able to do all the man type stuff normally reserved for such rare times. Watch rugby, drink beer, wake up with a hangover at what ever time of the day I damn well please!

After chopping a ton of firewood I retired to my living room and the mansize TV and slapped on “The Longest Day”. There is a line in the movie “Blesse mon couer avec une langeur monotone” and in English “Wound my heart with a monotonous langour”. Blesse being the French word for wound (pronounce the last “e” as “ay” or in other words as you would Blessay.

Now Blessay is not in the English dictionary … yet!

My television fare into the late hours was Stephen Fry’s QI and as coincidence would have it, I had drifted over to his blog for a read as he is also one of my favourite authors. Blessay is Stephen’s corruption of Blog and Essay to describe his blogging efforts. If he’s using Blessay as a word, surely it can only be a matter of time before it finds its way into some Oxford type dictionary?

Essay or Blessay writing can be fun and simple to do. I write them virtually every day for my own amusement and to practice with a medium I think many writers employ as a development arena for good ideas.

Here is a summary of Supaproofread’s advice on writing essays and you can find the full info on their site here:

• Plan your work early - I think this is aimed at essay writers who are students working to assignments but I also find it applies when I have an idea; ideas zip around at neural speed so write it down as soon as you can before you lose it;
• Understand the question - my old law lecturer and I still meet up for the occasional brain cell hammering session and I mention him as he used to write “RTFQ” quite a lot on my papers - RTFQ stands for “Read The F*****g Question!” - if in doubt ask for clarification before you head off in the wrong direction;
• Organise your Research & Thoughts - again writing your ideas and reference materials down on a blank piece of paper will help you get everything into perspective and visualise how the essay will flow from point to point - I use a blank sheet of paper regularly and you will find me carrying around a hardback A4 notebook just for this purpose;
• Short is Sweet - unless your name is Stephen Fry, don’t use a long word when a short one will do. If you are familiar with a word and understand its application in your particular context, that’s fine but otherwise you are on a slippery slope which only results in loss of credibility and a poor reception for your work; and
• Stay On Topic - this is my own opinion, and it may seem obvious but veering away from topic is anaethema unless the direction you take is a logical extension of the ideas that have been developed and presented earlier. Sentences are units of sense, paragraphs also as they develop an idea which flows into the next while the essay stands as a coherent piece presenting your ideas as a unified whole - going off at a tangent is something reserved for geniuses or for your own fun so stick to your brief.

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I had an email from an irate American cousin demanding “restitution” for use of his “work” recently. This just came out of the blue and I only found the email as I was clearing out my email spam. As soon I saw the word “resitution” I almost clicked “delete” thinking it was a variation on the many email scams that abound.

Given the pause, I decided to open the email and started to read what appeared to have been written by a court reporter typing down everything that a 6 year old child screamed as they threw teddy into the corner and embarked on what I refer to as “A major Episkopi!”

Briefly summarised, the email claimed the sum of $1.5 million for theft of ideas, use of written work without permission, use of work without citation and acknowledgement, loss of earnings, emotional and psychological distress and compensatory damages demanded. Payment required within 7 days or I’ll be hearing from his lawyer, who at this time has no name but I have no doubt will be called something along the lines of, Oscar Weizenkatzenburger IV of the law firm, Gotcha by the Short and Curlies incorporated in Boca Raton (or in English, Rat’s Mouth) Florida.

Nothing was said about what was used, stolen or otherwise done by myself to cause such emotional and financial turmoil. With a grin I banged off an email which was short and sweet:

“What are you wittering on about?”

Back it came, that I had written an article about a year ago and quoted from a piece of his work without permission or achknowledgement. Nothing to say what or when this outrage occurred or was exactly so I could narrow down the offending piece which resulted in a rather more shirty email:

“I think you are taking the piss - send me the information or bugger off!”

Sure enough a response flies back and I ferret out the article in question. The problem is that I don’t refer to any external sources in the article which dealt with the riveting subject of “pressure moulded stressed plastics” whatever they are. The piece I prepared was about 1,000 words and dealt with some technical developments that seemed handy for wrapping cling film around food to preserve it while stuck on the grocery shelf.

Using my most diplomatic tone I kindly advise Mr K N O B Head to go forth and multiply and stop wasting my time.

Mr I M A Dick of Miami, responds with a hyperlink to a webpage where, sure enough there is my article, reproduced almost verbatim but with someone else’s name on it. A slight change had been made to include an extract from another technical journal and that had been properly cited as appearing in an article, name of the journal and date. In the US, this would certainly be classed as aceptable under their Fair Use laws.

It transpires that Mr Emotionally Challenged and Distressed had written the piece that was referred to but his name had not been attached to the citation when reproduced. “Ah hah” maybe we are getting somewhere here, but in fact “No, not really!” The alleged injured party did not have his name attached in the original journal article which was incidentally, nothing more than an advertorial and given his name did not appear nor was there any reasonable way of identifying him, he still had not been damaged under the Fair Use doctrine.

I tired of the badinage with Laughing Boy. I am somewhat of a sadistic bar steward by nature and enjoy a good punch up but this was just picking on the verbally and mentally challenged and represented no fun whatsoever.

This does not mean to say that there is nothing to be learned here.

Plagiarism is theft - don’t do it and you can check the originality of your work by using Dupecop or Copyscape easily enough.

Citations are required - if you quote someone, cite them as it is only fair and reasonable and how would you feel if you weren’t cited for your work?

Keep your drafts and submissions - copyright and plagiarism based cases can emerge years after you wrote something. I had forgotten completely about writing the article by the time this guy surfaced and had a moan. Even if this wally had a case, I am protected because the extract that was used was placed in their by someone else and not me plus my name was not on the offending document.

Tread Carefully - my tone was sarcastic and caustic however in cases involving copyright and libel, it probably is better to do as I say rather than as I do. I wouldn’t recomend that you wind someone up because you think they deserve it; they may actually have a case after all and then where would you be?

This is also a warning to watch how your work is edited and published especially if it has your name on it.

In the meantime, I have been receiving emails virtually every day from Mr I Have Too Much Time and Not Enough Work in Florida. At the latest count, he is offering, despite the advice of his attorneys, to settle the case for $25,000 because he has a sick mother. So touched with emotion was I that I almost cried (with laughter) and reached for my cheque book - a “check” is no winging away to settle my first “copyright” case and I have agreed to pay Mr Get Rich Soon Numpty precisely “$0 dollars—————–0/100 cents” - don’t spend it all at once

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After a mixed week which has seen England fall to the Springboks (and that was a TRY you blind Aussie ‘erbert) as well as my own romantic escapades, I’m sitting here in my living room working on a numb bum while contemplating the week ahead.

Last week has seen the first draft on a companion guide to seduction churned out and it has been a labour of boredom. Honestly, I have been surprised at the sheer volume of material that appears to be available for the typically American male prepared to part with $9.99. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t give any of this a second glance and would be surprised it was getting a first, nevertheless I’ve had a stack of reference materials thrown at me by my client who wants it noted in the text I’ve prepared. My client has reminded me that I am in no way allowed to claim any credit for the eBook I’ve drafted and he is the only one whose name will be allowed to be associated with the “work” - I feel like I should pay him to ensure my name is not associated with it.

My 1,000 word rate has increased as well and now my record is $85 for 1,500 words so that means I’m getting paid over $50 or more than double what I’m used to. The subject matter doesn’t seem to be improving much as I have to prepare a very dry critique of a report on “Vernacular Gardens for Inclusion in the Register of Garden and Parks of the English Society” . I’m a little green fingered myself, even have a ton of horse poo standing in the drive to give the sprogs something to do when they get bored during half-term, but upon discovering what “vernacular” actually means in this context I was rather put out. Vernacular means non-polite in the context of gardening, something that is planned without consideration of long-term structure or use, while the artistic aesthetic does not, so it goes, form a central locus for the garden.

Once again, I find myself having to write while pretending to be in someone else’s shoes as the author of this particular report which is being critiqued is “an established figure” in modern gardening philosophy and per my client, unassailable. My brutal opinion; this is an elitist, snobbish piece of work produced by a pseudo academic who thinks that writing 12 pages makes up for not delivering what she has to say in 500 words. It strikes me that academic writers, especially in fields such as sociology and psychology, could save the reader a great deal of time and energy by simply having a code for set, caveat type paragraphs that litter these works.

One source of amusement has been the online dating sites that I have been lurking around in the name of research

Smirk the First has been a commission to write a profile for a guy who is looking for a date on one of the sites. I kid you not, I’m actually getting paid to write a profile for a guy trying to attract some amour - fact is always stranger than fiction in this job!

Grin the Second is that I’m putting a blog together dealing with some of the more interesting profiles I have come across. Some are very seriously funny and provide quite an insight into the mindset of the fun/love/sex seeking virtual Romeos & Juliets. Try this one:

“C’mon guys, sort the ironing out!

Do you know how many times I’ve gotten to the bedroom only to have those sexy words whispered in my ear - “I’ll just move the washing off the bed”

For god’s sake what are you doing? I mean some of you have some serious piles of ironing in your profile photographs. Maybe we can play Jenga with it and the winner gets to choose the position!”

In this the girls are way ahead of the guys - there are some exceptionally funny things to be enjoyed once you have shovelled the text speak jargon out of the way with 90% of what’s offered. On a side note, it appears that writing in sentences, paragraphs and punctuating will mark you out from the herd that have not yet managed to graduate from “Im maaad4it r u?” This is not a paid endeavour but one for laughs on my part which I shall share with you in due course.

Guffaw the Third is my own little dabble with the vicarious delights of fishing online. I have a hot date next Saturday with a lovely lady in the Midlands. I think I said “hot” but at this time of the year I expect there will be a certain amount of ambient dampness to cool any ardour. “Rene” is the English corruption of her name, Irenka, but I think the Slavic variations are much better - Iryenka, Irenkovna and my personal favourite, Irenooshka!

Why Irenooshka to the Rescue as the title?

I’m just showing off for her

Writing also hath its privileges.

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Not so many years ago, when I was Chief Chimp at Andersens my sales director would forever whinge at me that I was smoking far too much and needed to quit. My PA, a darling, scary monstress from Rainham bought stacks of “This is a Non Smoking Office” signs and cellotaped one to my desk so it would confront me whenever I finally got to the bottom of the piles of papers, post-it notes and general clutter.

Suffering a rare English Comprehension Epiphany I retorted “I’m the bugger that smokes not the bloody office!”

The signs disappeared, after all, rank has its privileges.

Changing direction completely, the standing joke with my sprogs is that when I was a kid I had a dinosaur as a pet which is not completely true but I did have a guitar. I taught myself to play until I was good enough to bash out the odd Status Quo and Doors numbers at the school discos with a few mates. Playing live did wonders for my street credibility but it did something much more than that. It was the time when I started becoming aware of music and I still have my first ever single - “I Don’t Like Mondays” by the Boomtown Rats. Playing music led to other music genres that I would never have thought to listen to and I have a much wider appreciation of music than I otherwise would have today. Don’t knock it, I’m at home at the Royal Albert and the South Bank as I was with Simon Rattle at the CBSO during my Brum uni days and I have seen the Bolshoi at the Bolshoi in Maskva (Moscow to those who nye gavareetye pa-rooskie).

The connection between a Non Smoking Office and teenage dreams of guitar axe wizardry is not so tenuous for me.

Firstly,my finger tips have payed a heavy price as I learned to hammer on the fretboard and the keyboard.

Secondly, I am experiencing the sensation of a new world opening up while the old one will never be looked at in the same way by me again.

Writing copious reams of, for the most part, absolute and utter nonsense has given a greater appreciation for the written word no matter where I see it. The idea that an office does not smoke and the sign simply make no sense is becoming second nature as I’ve had to practice and strive towards making myself understood in a medium that has hitherto been nothing more than a means to an end.

Understanding English is part of the mindset and skill that practice provides, but by far the greatest asset I am still in the process of acquiring is the clarity of thought occurring when I come to translate thoughts into words.

The key word here is “practice”; whether writing for pleasure or profit, there can be no substitute for actually writing and honing your style, skills and English language muscles notwithstanding in non-smoking bars

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I had a cryptic comment by lisa@example.com on a post I made “Out of the Mouths of Babes”.

“Sentence beginning “Taking our initial example” - it should ‘its’, not ‘it’s’ to indicate the possessive. Amongst other things.

I duly bashed an email off to Lisa thanking her for her comments and asking what the “Amongst other things.” represented.

No reply.

Upon reviewing what Lisa had to say she is entirely correct, I used the wrong “IT” - place me up against a wall and shoot me.

Upon reviewing Lisa’s own command of the English language, she certainly is not correct which may also go some way to explaining the lack of manners. I can happily refer Lisa to the posting itself which dealt with sentences and the requirements which include being able to make sense standing on their own in isolation. “Amongst other things.” does not qualify in my opinion.

As for manners, personally I blame the parents.

Nevertheless, I got something wrong and no matter my pique at how the crit has been delivered, I can ignore the slings and arrows and make sure I learn from the mistake and correct it for future use.

So a word called IT.

When you use the word “it” there must be a word to which the “it” refers back to and for which there can be no confusion or doubts as to that word.

For this reason, do not start a sentence with the word “it” e.g. “It was announced that a fund was established for the church roof repairs.” In this case, what was announced, what or who is doing the announcing? “It” serve no purpose in this context and a better construction would be “There was an announcement concerning the establishment of a fund for the church roof repairs.”

“It being” is considered to be bad form, grammatically incorrect and ugly so for instance “In spite of it being painful.” is better stated as “In spite of its being painful.”

It’s is a contraction of “it is” or “it has” and Supaproofread has a section on this which deals with other common writing errors and is well worth looking at too.

“Its” can be used subjectively and objectively. When you use “its” you must again ensure that there is no doubt as to the word it refers back to - “The steering of my car.” can be exchanged with “The car’s steering.” or “Its steering.” but in no way can we do this when we talk of “The control of the car.” and “The car’s control.” and “Its control.” - are you referring back to the car or the control? It’s A fine line exists.

For such a small word, “it” clearly requires a degree of control and understanding in excess of that I have considered before beyond getting”it’s”, and “its” unconfused. Who says big things cannot come in small packages?

-1 for shirtiness Lisa but +1,000,000 for getting me stirred up to look at this more closely

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